I don't want to keep blogging about VH, because that's really not the purpose of this blog, but personal stuff does impact my writing life, so it'll come up from time to time, I suppose. So here are the details, for those of you that don't know already: VH (thirty-nine and a nonsmoker) has been diagnosed with advanced lung cancer, apparently as a result of his treatments for a different kind of cancer he had at twenty-five. I drove VH down to a major medical center yesterday so we could consult with a second doctor, simply because it's always prudent to get different opinions. He talked about possible treatments with us, then told us to remain optimistic, that some of his patients had lived several years with advanced cancer of this type.
I asked if there was any chance of the cancer going into permanent remission.
He looked at me, glanced away, and said, "Well, anything's possible, but..."
I knew the answer already, both from my research and from what the first oncologist said, but it's nonetheless painful to know that such a young man doesn't have a good chance of surviving one year, let alone five. It really doesn't seem fair (and VH keeps pointing out to me the obvious, that life isn't always fair, but somehow that doesn't really make it easier to cope with). But as VH says in his Zenlike way, it is what it is. Whining about it doesn't change it.
At this time of year, everyone's blogging about their New Year's resolutions. It's hard to look to the future when you don't know what the future is going to look like. I could have three months left with VH, or five years. At this point, it's impossible to tell. So no New Year's resolutions for me. I'll write when I can make time to write, because writing helps me get through my problems, and when I'm not writing, I'll spend as much time with VH as possible.
But as the year ends, I'm very grateful for the life I've had with VH... because I'd rather have been married to him for fifteen years than to anyone else for fifty.