Friday, December 29, 2006

Looking to the future

I don't want to keep blogging about VH, because that's really not the purpose of this blog, but personal stuff does impact my writing life, so it'll come up from time to time, I suppose. So here are the details, for those of you that don't know already: VH (thirty-nine and a nonsmoker) has been diagnosed with advanced lung cancer, apparently as a result of his treatments for a different kind of cancer he had at twenty-five. I drove VH down to a major medical center yesterday so we could consult with a second doctor, simply because it's always prudent to get different opinions. He talked about possible treatments with us, then told us to remain optimistic, that some of his patients had lived several years with advanced cancer of this type.

I asked if there was any chance of the cancer going into permanent remission.

He looked at me, glanced away, and said, "Well, anything's possible, but..."

I knew the answer already, both from my research and from what the first oncologist said, but it's nonetheless painful to know that such a young man doesn't have a good chance of surviving one year, let alone five. It really doesn't seem fair (and VH keeps pointing out to me the obvious, that life isn't always fair, but somehow that doesn't really make it easier to cope with). But as VH says in his Zenlike way, it is what it is. Whining about it doesn't change it.


At this time of year, everyone's blogging about their New Year's resolutions. It's hard to look to the future when you don't know what the future is going to look like. I could have three months left with VH, or five years. At this point, it's impossible to tell. So no New Year's resolutions for me. I'll write when I can make time to write, because writing helps me get through my problems, and when I'm not writing, I'll spend as much time with VH as possible.

But as the year ends, I'm very grateful for the life I've had with VH... because I'd rather have been married to him for fifteen years than to anyone else for fifty.

19 comments:

  1. But as the year ends, I'm very grateful for the life I've had with VH... because I'd rather have been married to him for fifteen years than to anyone else for fifty.

    This...this made me weep for you, because it was beautifully said and because I can't imagine being in your shoes. I wish no one ever had to go through what you, and your children, and most especially the VH are. You're right, it's NOT fair!

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  2. Oh, Ellen, my heart bleeds for you and your husband. And it's totally unfair. The wife of a friend of my husband's died at 37 (of cancer) and left behind four children. Somehow, they soldier on. But I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for him, how difficult this time is for you and your family. You have fantastic resolutions for the new year, and I wish you, your husband and children moments of peace and a lifetime of strength in the days to come.

    Cindy

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  3. (((((Ellen))))) Sometimes it's better to take it one day at a time than try to plan too far ahead. Enjoy the time you have. Every day is a gift.

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  4. You have the right attitude - take a day at a time, celebrate each hour with VH and stay positive. The writing will take care of itself. Your talent will always be there. We're all hoping the same thing is true for your husband. Best wishes to you both.

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  5. What a wonderful man VH is wiht his strong attitude, and I can tell the deep love you have for him. It's not fair that such a good, young man has this awful disease. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts, and hoping for the best possible outcome in this horrible situation. I'm wishing you lots and lots of strength, courage and healing thoughts in the days to come.

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  6. Ellen, your post was beautiful and so very moving. I wish you strength and I'm praying for a miracle.

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  7. Oh, Ellen, my heart goes out to you and your family. It's not fair at all. I agree with Angela, that your last comment was beautifully said. May 2007 bring many wonderful moments filled with peace and love for your family.

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  8. Ellen, there just aren't words that can do justice to what you must be going through.

    My thoughts are with you and my prayers too.

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  9. This is heartbreaking. There just aren't words. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  10. Oh, Ellen... I'm in tears. I can't possibly come up with the words to express how much your post has touched me. I went downstairs and gave my husband a big hug. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm sending positive thoughts your way and wishing you strength and the most happiness possible for the days, weeks, and years to come.

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  11. Huge Hugs Ellen and loads of prayers of strength for you and him. Don't waste time asking why this is happening, there is no acceptable answer. Treasure every moment. Please keep blogging when you need to get your private emotions out. The world supports you.

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  12. You have penned your heartfelt thoughts with elegance. It is my wish that your time together is also touched with elegance. And hope. Love never dies.

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  13. Ellen, you're in our thoughts. Anything at all you need, just ask.

    Michelle

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  14. Oh Ellen, my heart breaks for you and your family. But your VH has such inner strength, and so do you. It comes through in your post and in what you quote from him.

    And to know that every moment you have is precious makes your love for each other even stronger. Hang onto that because that love keeps you going.

    I'll keep you both in my prayers every day.

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  15. Ellen, I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

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  16. You are right, it's not fair. But you have to deal with what you are given. And it looks like you're going to enjoy your time, no matter how long that is. I hope it's long and miraculous.

    You two are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to you.

    Lany of Melany Logen and Mechele Armstrong

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  17. Ellen,

    My thoughts are with you at this hard time. I can imagine what you are going through...I've had a family member recently very ill with brain cancer (brother in law) but he is doing very well (and this was after the doctors were not so optimistic about him). But nothing can be more excruciating then the thought of my dear hubby battling something like this. All my good thoughts and hopes for better news and a better future for you.

    Hugs,

    Denise A. Agnew

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  18. As someone who's lost both parents to cancer, it is never easy. I do think that you have the most bright outlook. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!!!!

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  19. Just dropping by to say that you and your VH are in my thoughts and prayers.

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